About Me - updated

I'm a writer, a schemer, a thinker, a dreamer, and most importantly a hopelessly hopeful romantic. Sometimes I spend way too much time thinking about being romantic instead of actually being romantic. And sometimes I spend too much time writing about thinking about being a romantic, instead of being either. To be honest with you, I'm not sure what to think of me, which is just as well, because the idea here isn't to 'sell me' to me, but rather to 'sell me,' to you. Kind of nice that way, isn't it?

I used to believe in God. At least, I think I did. Maybe I never did and just dropped the charade. Maybe it's the other way around, and now I actually do believe in God, and I'm just bitter and telling myself I don't so that I can avoid the pain of being associated with its double standards and its propagated bigotry. The point is, it doesn't really matter - if God is there, then God is there; I, a mere human who can only see things from my own vantage point, am here. And let's face it, religion is neither here nor there. Some birds just aren't meant to be caged. I believe that the phrase "God doesn't exist" says more about the limitations of the word "exist" than "God," and I also believe that faith breeds complacency. Religion is a semantics game - nothing more. A finger pointing at the Moon.

I made the decision to leave Christianity behind so I could be with a girl without guilt. She ended up cheating on me and making me feel guilty about it. The truth is, however, that I didn't do anything wrong at all, and my conscience deserves a Purple Heart. I made myself believe that I was to blame and that I wasn't good enough, but the truth is, if you cheat on someone and lie to them about it, just to suddenly throw them not only out of your heart, but also out of your life, then you just don't deserve forgiveness. You don't deserve respect. You don't deserve friendship.^[1] That's that. Lesson learned. I'll pick myself back up and step forward a better man because of it. Vindicated.

I'm a Cancer. I fit it perfectly - right down to the mood swings (as will be obvious to you soon, my dear reader). I used to think astrology was complete bullshit, until someone on the outside of all of this described my previous relationship with immaculate detail. This isn't your daily horoscope, yo. Everything happened exactly as it said, and for the rest of my life, the words "inevitable breakdown," are going to linger in my mind whenever I think of the Capricorn I once loved. I've woken up in a cold sweat thrice since she broke up with me with those words pounding in my head. Further developments on that front, but it's too soon to know where it's going, so there's no use in publically counting my chickens before they hatch (even if the eggs themselves cry out promises and vows of undying devotion - another hard lesson learned from experience with Merica - promises just don't mean fuck to some people).

Sometimes I have a superiority complex, but it's usually only when I talk about philosophy, religion, or some other topic that is necessarily pretentious. Don't pay attention to me, though, unless you want to. My chains are not your chains. My goal is to dig. Not just dig for me, but to inspire you to dig as well. I am less concerned with your views than I am with how you got to those views and how you live them out, whatever they may be. It is scrutiny that is admittedly sometimes rude and unapologetic, but it is also one that I subject myself to, albeit without the proverbial safety nets.

I'm an open book if you can get past the pathetically pretentious cover, but I can also keep a secret if you need someone to confide in. In short, you can trust me. I have a knack for being able to explain complex, multilayered emotional situations in a way that doesn't give away any details and resonates deeply within someone. I'm becoming more reliable than I was before; less complacent, more observant. I've been kicked out of my nest, thrown out of my comfort zone, and I'm finding out that I actually can fly on my own. Plus I'm good with finances, and all that good stuff.

And sometimes I have an inferiority complex. I get depressed during the winter, when it's cold, around the holidays. When I was in sixth grade I thought I was depressed enough to kill myself, but who knows what they want in sixth grade? I'm 20 years old and I don't think I really know what I want yet. For the longest time, I thought all I wanted was to be with Merica. I tried to kill myself after she broke up with me, but my mother called at the last minute and had one of my drumline friends come over. So they did, and we talked for long into the night. Now I'm okay. Like I said: vindicated.

This is all just another step in the journey, you know?

I am an existentialist. There was a time when I thought I was turning back to God, but it turns out that I was just desperate to find meaning in an otherwise meaningless life. But I'm okay with meaningless. It makes me responsible for my own fate. Put my life back into my own hands, and puts the blood back into my veins. I am, and will be, no one's slave. My motivation is my own success, and sometimes even the other way around. I'm a percussion major at Missouri Southern State University - it's not the best school in the world, but the percussion department is absolutely bitching. I wouldn't trade my time here for anything in the world. But the point is, I do things because I want to do them, and not because I have to. I don't have to do anything but stay white and die. (Much as I've tried to see things from outside of my cultural upbringing, that is.) But I believe that when we are obligated to do something, it ruins the inherent value of the act itself. This is (partly) why I abhor religion, politics, and the educational system.

That is why I am a little bit of a social anarchist. I laugh at social standards, expectations, politics, and religion because people take them way too seriously and life is just too short for it - believe me, I would know. I've had 32 surgeries in my life. I understand my own mortality. But the sun comes up - I had a kidney transplant. So I lightened up a bit - took a step toward embracing vanity.

I am only just now coming into a mindset where I somewhat care what people think of me, so I'm really the hypocrite here - I'm the bad guy here. You don't ever have to agree with me, but at least I'm an honest person. After all, I would rather have someone tell me the honest truth than lie to me to spare my emotions. You just end up stepping wrongly when you act on a lie. I'm usually a random person insofar as the attempt that it makes someone smile will allow. I like making people smile, especially at my own expense. When other people smile, it means I don't have to stomach myself, I don't have to put up with my own inhibitions. But don't think of me as an idiot, because I'm not. Not completely, at least. I may know a couple of things, but in the long run, I don't really know anything, do I? Maybe you and I should talk sometime and you can decide for yourself.

There are three references to Morgan Freeman above - all different films. I'll bet you can't find them all.
^[1] - Just because someone doesn't deserve something does not mean that they will not receive it,. I'm not a complete asshole, you know. I'm forgiving to a fault, but I will not forgive someone who doesn't give a fuck.